Post by Admin on Jul 28, 2020 14:23:16 GMT
How to know when its my child or my adult.
Adults are balanced, grounded, nonreactive, and definitive. If you're not being those things, then you're most likely coming from your inner child. That is a red flag to notice in various situations when you're not coming from your child.
If you want to argue, feel frustrated because you feel like you're not being heard, are reactive with your emotions or defensive and trying to prove yourself, that's your inner child looking for validation. Your adult knows that those are unnecessary emotions and reactions, and they will not change the outcome of the situation.
Adults listen to others, respect what they're saying, and accept it as their truth. If a solution is needed, adults come up with something that will work to protect themselves, as well as their child. Adults understand that they don't have to approve of it to accept it, and therefore they let it go. Adults know when to step in and when to back off. They also know when it's a healthy situation and when it's not a healthy situation. If you're making bad decisions, that's your child, not your adult.
If you're having a hard time finding your adult, sit down quietly, refocus, ground yourself, and breathe (review Lesson 3's homework). Allow clarity to enter your space. When you feel a little clearer, start the dialogue with your child as to why they are feeling so awful, scared, lonely, unheard, not validated, threated, etc. As an adult, you now know how to hold space (see explanation below) and allow for them to say what needs to be said. Once they do that, your adult will have a better understanding of what is happening, and then be able to nurture from there.
A common response from people is "I'm in my adult and I'm still angry." No, your child is angry and feeling that way. That's a red flag that you're not listening to your child. Remember, this work takes patience. It's all new to you. If you already knew it, you wouldn't be here right now. We all need to learn how to differentiate between the individual parts of who we are. We all get our wires crossed, out of habit and out of not knowing the difference.
Remember, your child is the one who needs to feel the love, and your adult needs to give your inner child love. Well then, who gives the adult love? Our inner child gives it back to the adult clean, unattached, and healthy, just the way they received it from you. You become a full circle of your own love and healing.
Since children are so forgiving by nature, your child When your seemingly adult may feel hurt, angry, sad, etc., it's important to know that's really the child space. That's another red flag that they need nurturing from your adult, because they're doing the work of your adult. When you're feeling that way, hold space for yourself, listen, and then nurture the part of you that is needing validation and compassion from you. It's a part of your crying out for help because, after all, you are both your adult and your inner child all rolled into one. We all have an amazing built-in system that tells us when we're out of alignment. We just need to relearn how to listen to it.
will be relieved and happy to know that you were and are available to help them stay in their child space.
It's important to remember that working as a team will help you both to move through even the trickiest and most difficult of situations.
*Holding space is an amazing and important tool to have. By doing this, we learn to not take things so personal. It allows us to witness, with love and compassion, and allow another person's feelings to be released. Close your eyes and visualize a big hoop out in front of you. It may be helpful to hold out your arms and make a circle with them. As people "unload" on you, instead of allowing it to hit you and pile up on you, imagine it all going into this basket in front of you. As everything enters the basket, it falls out the bottom and is being cleaned out and transmuted. Where it goes, and how it goes away from you, is not your concern, as long as it does not hit you. It's not your job to transmute and take on everyone else's "stuff." By holding space, we're not only providing a detached place for others to unload and clear, we're protecting ourselves as well.
Homework:
When is it my inner child? When is it my adult?
• In your Bridge Book, draw a line down the centre of the page to make two columns
• Label one "My Child" and one "My Adult"
Under each column, list the traits you have that you believe are part of either your adult or your inner child. Don't worry about getting it right; the point is to write down what you believe each one is.
Start by listing the things that upset you under the My Child column, then move to your adult column.
You'll start to see a visual, or map, of how you think and how you react to the situations that upset you the most. In doing this, we're able to detach and witness ourselves, our beliefs, and how we react or don't react to certain situations.
Examples might be the following. What columns would these go in?
• I get mad when a car cuts me off.
• I have no need to worry; I have everything under control.
• I get mad when I have to discuss money with my partner.
• When asked to lower my voice, I get upset.
• I am calling in sick too frequently to work.
• I would love to sit down and talk about our family budget to get a better handle on things.
• I know all of my needs are being met.
• I don't have to have all the answers to know that it will all work out.
• I am letting a co worker get under my skin.
• I hate it when other people are too loud. It really bothers me.
• I love the smell of chocolate.
• I hear you and I love you no matter what.
• I love listening to other people's point of view.
• I love the way the sunshine makes my body feels.
• I hate when I am told what to do.
• I hate that no one respects my opinion.
• I get mad when everyone is late all the time.
Now think about several of the situations you've found yourself in during the past few weeks. Write down how you reacted to each one, either in the child or the adult column. Think of all of your interactions with co workers, personal relationships, family members, your children, strangers, driving, grocery store shoppers, etc.
I want to you to really think about all the different situations and people you've come across. Be honest with yourself about where at that time, you felt you were right and justified in coming from the right place.
Before continuing, write a couple sentences about why you believe what you BELIEVE from the map of yourself. Children can be tricky. By learning to tell when it's your child, and when it's your adult, you'll better be able to navigate through relationships and the situations in your life.
TRIGGERS
What are they and where do they come from?
A trigger is something that sets off an old memory. As tapes record, so do our brains. We have a tape of everything and anything that has ever happened to us. It is within those tapes that our triggers exist. Triggers can cause a flashback of a time that was traumatic for us. Often these flashbacks are induced by our five senses. When this happens, it takes us back to a time when we first felt the upset.
Everyone has different triggers based on their various backgrounds and histories. As a coping mechanism, we often avoid those triggers to protect ourselves. For example, talking about money. This may be a trigger for you. In your childhood, you may have picked up on the feeling that discussing money is bad. You may have listened to your parents fight over money. You may have seen what too much money can do to a family, or you were brought up in a house where there was never enough money, all resulting in you feeling unsafe.
To heal, we must know what hurts our inner child. We must know how these hurts affected the world around them. We do this by listening to our child, getting to know them, and then reassuring them that they're safe and that you're now their adult and will not let them feel unsafe. We must help them to rerecord over the old tapes with new, healthy safe tapes that you, as the adult of your child, help to record in a loving, safe, compassionate, and open way.
You can't heal what you can't see. You can't see what you're not willing to acknowledge. By rerecording and retraining our senses to react in a positive way, we're healing that child within us. This work will lead you to a place of forgiveness and love. When you provide a safe place for your child to open their heart, allow their feelings to be what they are (without judgement), they then learn to rewrite their story. By witnessing the triggers as adult, we are providing our child a new, loving way of being in the world where they can heal old wounds that came from fear.
So when someone hits on some part of an emotion that was never healed, we have an automatic response because that unhealed part of us was zinged. Some of the automatic responses we have are anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, feeling left out, isolation, fear, feeling stupid, etc.
Examples of triggers
• Gossip
• Being cut off in traffic
• Taking too long in the grocery store
• Loud music
• An innocent comment about your toes, fingers, or your haircut
• Being threatened
• People who show off at work
• Not being recognized for your work
• Not being allowed to express yourself
• Your schedule gets thrown off
• Your authority is not respected at work
• Your opinions at work do not matter
• You are overwhelmed when given too many tasks, whether at work or at home
• You want what you cannot have now
• Someone is spreading rumours about you
• Your check book won't balance
• Someone disagrees with you
• Being shushed
• Being "should-ed" on
• Being teased
• Not getting what you want when you want it
• Your kids don't listen to you
• Your partner does not respond to you
Some common triggers that cause us to feel like we are –
Not being accepted
Not being heard
Not being validated
Not being in control
Not receiving attention
Not being liked
Not being valued
Not being loved
Not being peaceful
Not being smart
Not being needed
Not being treated fairly
Not feeling safe
Not being valued
Look at this list. Maybe there are things that you would like to add. It's safe to add your triggers onto this list in your Bridge Book.
This trigger makes me feel like:
After you dig down to that level, dig down a bit more
This trigger makes me feel like this, and when:
This trigger makes me feel like:
And when I feel like this I want to:
By getting to the root of the trigger, we can then rerecord the narrative for the way it made us feel. When we do this, we're easily able to release it and let it go. We're not processing it, analysing it, or going deep within it. We're asking questions, receiving answers, feeling them safely, and witnessing how we feel.
By witnessing these feeling, we're less likely to trigger the trauma. When your adult acknowledges that your child is safe, loved, and protected, your child will then be okay to continue opening their heart.
Continue to listen to what you are hearing and writing it down.
• Continue to trust what you are getting.
• Continue to stay in witness mode rather than action mode at this point.
• If you feel resistance and blocking, explain to your child who received the trauma that it's okay, you have it under control and there is no need for alarm.
• By doing this, you're whittling away at the impediments one at a time.
Triggers looks something like this:
I am triggered when someone says this:
I am triggered when I see someone do this:
I am triggered when someone acts like this:
I am triggered by what I see on TV:
*A little side note about triggers:
Don't put yourself in a position where your triggers will be triggered.
If you know what they are, make the deliberate choice, and decision, to not go or do things that you know you'll be triggered by...at least for this moment.
That's the difference between choosing to live peacefully or living in pain. We always have choices. It's just that some choices are easier than others.
If it's harder to go down one path, then you know that's the path to usually take. It's hard because we resist what's good for us and accept what is not, because in the moment it seems easier. Well, it's not.
If you do it anyway, it's because you aren't thinking enough about yourself, to love yourself the most. (That takes honesty, bravery, and courage.)
Why? Because you don't know you're worth more. If you know your worth, it would make picking you a whole lot easier. Choose you always!
Lesson 5 Homework
Below or in your journal, write a list of all the things that upset you. Think of all the triggers you have from the last lesson. What senses did they affect?
• Apply those triggers to this homework lesson.
• Create a list of things that you can do to help your child feel heard, validated, seen, and safe.
Now combine the two into one situation:
My child is being triggered by (person, place, or thing):
When I am triggered I feel these (sensations) in my body:
I then so my adult needs to:
to make my child feel:
When my child feels:
my adult is then able to:
When my adult can:
then my child is at peace and can:
Here is another way to work with your triggers:
Examples of triggers:
• Clothes on the floor
• Traffic cut offs
• Rude grocery shoppers
• People talking over you
• Dirty dishes in the sink
• Loud music
• Too much TV time from partner
Write down what you were feeling when they happened. What part of the above trigger does that fall under?
What are your triggers? Here is an example:
Clothes on the floor- What were you feeling? Frustrated- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? – No-one heard me.
Drivers who cut you off- What were you feeling? Angry- What part of your life when you were little felt like that?- No-one saw me.
Fight with mum over not getting me- What were you feeling- Mad- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? Misunderstood
People talking over you- What were you feeling? Sad- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? No-one cares what I have to say.
Now add your own examples.
Now look at the same triggers and think to yourself, if a child came to you and told you these feelings, what would you say to them?
How would you nurture them?
How would you help them understand the situation?
Would you use it as a time to teach?
Adults are balanced, grounded, nonreactive, and definitive. If you're not being those things, then you're most likely coming from your inner child. That is a red flag to notice in various situations when you're not coming from your child.
If you want to argue, feel frustrated because you feel like you're not being heard, are reactive with your emotions or defensive and trying to prove yourself, that's your inner child looking for validation. Your adult knows that those are unnecessary emotions and reactions, and they will not change the outcome of the situation.
Adults listen to others, respect what they're saying, and accept it as their truth. If a solution is needed, adults come up with something that will work to protect themselves, as well as their child. Adults understand that they don't have to approve of it to accept it, and therefore they let it go. Adults know when to step in and when to back off. They also know when it's a healthy situation and when it's not a healthy situation. If you're making bad decisions, that's your child, not your adult.
If you're having a hard time finding your adult, sit down quietly, refocus, ground yourself, and breathe (review Lesson 3's homework). Allow clarity to enter your space. When you feel a little clearer, start the dialogue with your child as to why they are feeling so awful, scared, lonely, unheard, not validated, threated, etc. As an adult, you now know how to hold space (see explanation below) and allow for them to say what needs to be said. Once they do that, your adult will have a better understanding of what is happening, and then be able to nurture from there.
A common response from people is "I'm in my adult and I'm still angry." No, your child is angry and feeling that way. That's a red flag that you're not listening to your child. Remember, this work takes patience. It's all new to you. If you already knew it, you wouldn't be here right now. We all need to learn how to differentiate between the individual parts of who we are. We all get our wires crossed, out of habit and out of not knowing the difference.
Remember, your child is the one who needs to feel the love, and your adult needs to give your inner child love. Well then, who gives the adult love? Our inner child gives it back to the adult clean, unattached, and healthy, just the way they received it from you. You become a full circle of your own love and healing.
Since children are so forgiving by nature, your child When your seemingly adult may feel hurt, angry, sad, etc., it's important to know that's really the child space. That's another red flag that they need nurturing from your adult, because they're doing the work of your adult. When you're feeling that way, hold space for yourself, listen, and then nurture the part of you that is needing validation and compassion from you. It's a part of your crying out for help because, after all, you are both your adult and your inner child all rolled into one. We all have an amazing built-in system that tells us when we're out of alignment. We just need to relearn how to listen to it.
will be relieved and happy to know that you were and are available to help them stay in their child space.
It's important to remember that working as a team will help you both to move through even the trickiest and most difficult of situations.
*Holding space is an amazing and important tool to have. By doing this, we learn to not take things so personal. It allows us to witness, with love and compassion, and allow another person's feelings to be released. Close your eyes and visualize a big hoop out in front of you. It may be helpful to hold out your arms and make a circle with them. As people "unload" on you, instead of allowing it to hit you and pile up on you, imagine it all going into this basket in front of you. As everything enters the basket, it falls out the bottom and is being cleaned out and transmuted. Where it goes, and how it goes away from you, is not your concern, as long as it does not hit you. It's not your job to transmute and take on everyone else's "stuff." By holding space, we're not only providing a detached place for others to unload and clear, we're protecting ourselves as well.
Homework:
When is it my inner child? When is it my adult?
• In your Bridge Book, draw a line down the centre of the page to make two columns
• Label one "My Child" and one "My Adult"
Under each column, list the traits you have that you believe are part of either your adult or your inner child. Don't worry about getting it right; the point is to write down what you believe each one is.
Start by listing the things that upset you under the My Child column, then move to your adult column.
You'll start to see a visual, or map, of how you think and how you react to the situations that upset you the most. In doing this, we're able to detach and witness ourselves, our beliefs, and how we react or don't react to certain situations.
Examples might be the following. What columns would these go in?
• I get mad when a car cuts me off.
• I have no need to worry; I have everything under control.
• I get mad when I have to discuss money with my partner.
• When asked to lower my voice, I get upset.
• I am calling in sick too frequently to work.
• I would love to sit down and talk about our family budget to get a better handle on things.
• I know all of my needs are being met.
• I don't have to have all the answers to know that it will all work out.
• I am letting a co worker get under my skin.
• I hate it when other people are too loud. It really bothers me.
• I love the smell of chocolate.
• I hear you and I love you no matter what.
• I love listening to other people's point of view.
• I love the way the sunshine makes my body feels.
• I hate when I am told what to do.
• I hate that no one respects my opinion.
• I get mad when everyone is late all the time.
Now think about several of the situations you've found yourself in during the past few weeks. Write down how you reacted to each one, either in the child or the adult column. Think of all of your interactions with co workers, personal relationships, family members, your children, strangers, driving, grocery store shoppers, etc.
I want to you to really think about all the different situations and people you've come across. Be honest with yourself about where at that time, you felt you were right and justified in coming from the right place.
Before continuing, write a couple sentences about why you believe what you BELIEVE from the map of yourself. Children can be tricky. By learning to tell when it's your child, and when it's your adult, you'll better be able to navigate through relationships and the situations in your life.
TRIGGERS
What are they and where do they come from?
A trigger is something that sets off an old memory. As tapes record, so do our brains. We have a tape of everything and anything that has ever happened to us. It is within those tapes that our triggers exist. Triggers can cause a flashback of a time that was traumatic for us. Often these flashbacks are induced by our five senses. When this happens, it takes us back to a time when we first felt the upset.
Everyone has different triggers based on their various backgrounds and histories. As a coping mechanism, we often avoid those triggers to protect ourselves. For example, talking about money. This may be a trigger for you. In your childhood, you may have picked up on the feeling that discussing money is bad. You may have listened to your parents fight over money. You may have seen what too much money can do to a family, or you were brought up in a house where there was never enough money, all resulting in you feeling unsafe.
To heal, we must know what hurts our inner child. We must know how these hurts affected the world around them. We do this by listening to our child, getting to know them, and then reassuring them that they're safe and that you're now their adult and will not let them feel unsafe. We must help them to rerecord over the old tapes with new, healthy safe tapes that you, as the adult of your child, help to record in a loving, safe, compassionate, and open way.
You can't heal what you can't see. You can't see what you're not willing to acknowledge. By rerecording and retraining our senses to react in a positive way, we're healing that child within us. This work will lead you to a place of forgiveness and love. When you provide a safe place for your child to open their heart, allow their feelings to be what they are (without judgement), they then learn to rewrite their story. By witnessing the triggers as adult, we are providing our child a new, loving way of being in the world where they can heal old wounds that came from fear.
So when someone hits on some part of an emotion that was never healed, we have an automatic response because that unhealed part of us was zinged. Some of the automatic responses we have are anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, feeling left out, isolation, fear, feeling stupid, etc.
Examples of triggers
• Gossip
• Being cut off in traffic
• Taking too long in the grocery store
• Loud music
• An innocent comment about your toes, fingers, or your haircut
• Being threatened
• People who show off at work
• Not being recognized for your work
• Not being allowed to express yourself
• Your schedule gets thrown off
• Your authority is not respected at work
• Your opinions at work do not matter
• You are overwhelmed when given too many tasks, whether at work or at home
• You want what you cannot have now
• Someone is spreading rumours about you
• Your check book won't balance
• Someone disagrees with you
• Being shushed
• Being "should-ed" on
• Being teased
• Not getting what you want when you want it
• Your kids don't listen to you
• Your partner does not respond to you
Some common triggers that cause us to feel like we are –
Not being accepted
Not being heard
Not being validated
Not being in control
Not receiving attention
Not being liked
Not being valued
Not being loved
Not being peaceful
Not being smart
Not being needed
Not being treated fairly
Not feeling safe
Not being valued
Look at this list. Maybe there are things that you would like to add. It's safe to add your triggers onto this list in your Bridge Book.
This trigger makes me feel like:
After you dig down to that level, dig down a bit more
This trigger makes me feel like this, and when:
This trigger makes me feel like:
And when I feel like this I want to:
By getting to the root of the trigger, we can then rerecord the narrative for the way it made us feel. When we do this, we're easily able to release it and let it go. We're not processing it, analysing it, or going deep within it. We're asking questions, receiving answers, feeling them safely, and witnessing how we feel.
By witnessing these feeling, we're less likely to trigger the trauma. When your adult acknowledges that your child is safe, loved, and protected, your child will then be okay to continue opening their heart.
Continue to listen to what you are hearing and writing it down.
• Continue to trust what you are getting.
• Continue to stay in witness mode rather than action mode at this point.
• If you feel resistance and blocking, explain to your child who received the trauma that it's okay, you have it under control and there is no need for alarm.
• By doing this, you're whittling away at the impediments one at a time.
Triggers looks something like this:
I am triggered when someone says this:
I am triggered when I see someone do this:
I am triggered when someone acts like this:
I am triggered by what I see on TV:
*A little side note about triggers:
Don't put yourself in a position where your triggers will be triggered.
If you know what they are, make the deliberate choice, and decision, to not go or do things that you know you'll be triggered by...at least for this moment.
That's the difference between choosing to live peacefully or living in pain. We always have choices. It's just that some choices are easier than others.
If it's harder to go down one path, then you know that's the path to usually take. It's hard because we resist what's good for us and accept what is not, because in the moment it seems easier. Well, it's not.
If you do it anyway, it's because you aren't thinking enough about yourself, to love yourself the most. (That takes honesty, bravery, and courage.)
Why? Because you don't know you're worth more. If you know your worth, it would make picking you a whole lot easier. Choose you always!
Lesson 5 Homework
Below or in your journal, write a list of all the things that upset you. Think of all the triggers you have from the last lesson. What senses did they affect?
• Apply those triggers to this homework lesson.
• Create a list of things that you can do to help your child feel heard, validated, seen, and safe.
Now combine the two into one situation:
My child is being triggered by (person, place, or thing):
When I am triggered I feel these (sensations) in my body:
I then so my adult needs to:
to make my child feel:
When my child feels:
my adult is then able to:
When my adult can:
then my child is at peace and can:
Here is another way to work with your triggers:
Examples of triggers:
• Clothes on the floor
• Traffic cut offs
• Rude grocery shoppers
• People talking over you
• Dirty dishes in the sink
• Loud music
• Too much TV time from partner
Write down what you were feeling when they happened. What part of the above trigger does that fall under?
What are your triggers? Here is an example:
Clothes on the floor- What were you feeling? Frustrated- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? – No-one heard me.
Drivers who cut you off- What were you feeling? Angry- What part of your life when you were little felt like that?- No-one saw me.
Fight with mum over not getting me- What were you feeling- Mad- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? Misunderstood
People talking over you- What were you feeling? Sad- What part of your life when you were little felt like that? No-one cares what I have to say.
Now add your own examples.
Now look at the same triggers and think to yourself, if a child came to you and told you these feelings, what would you say to them?
How would you nurture them?
How would you help them understand the situation?
Would you use it as a time to teach?
